It’s freezing outside the Edinburgh Corn Exchange, a fact that has done nothing to cool the ardour of hundreds and hundreds of Arctic Monkeys fans.
But why, readers? Why are the Monkeys the most talked about band in Britain at the moment? Why have they managed to rip the Fastest Selling Debut Album Ever Award from Hear’Say’s seminal ‘Popstars’ effort? Why has their debut album, ‘Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not’ caused in excess of 360,000 people to get their cash out in one week?
In a nutshell, we want to answer the simple question: can the Arctic Monkeys live up to the hype?
Usually, when facing big questions such as these, it helps to start off by compiling some practical measurements. For example, we noticed that queues for the bar were approximately 5 metres shorter during the Arctic Monkeys’ set than they were for headliners Maximo Park. That’s scientific fact people.
Similarly, the ratio of fans in Arctic Monkeys t-shirts (counting both the official and homemade variety) to Maximo Park t-shirts was a staggering 3 to 1. If ever there were a sign of truly demented dedication, it was to be found in the homemade shirts sported by some of the Arctic Monkeys’ elite – simply a white Top Man tee with a photocopy of the LP cover stapled across the chest. Brilliant!
Monkey Madness 1: “The Arctic Monkeys just speak to me. I’m unemployed, I haven’t had a shag in ten months, and my hair’s already starting to fall out. I should be thinking about killing myself, but the Monkeys let me know everything is really OK!” Gordon, 21.
When the Monkeys appear it’s nothing short of pandemonium squared. As they rip into their second chart topping single, ‘When the Sun Goes Down’, a gentleman standing next to Slashmusic rips of his prosthetic leg and starts waving it about, leaning on his bemused-looking girlfriend for support. There is an inflatable sheep being tossed about behind us, then beside us a small ruck breaks out. A troupe of indie-chavs, the kind that think Maximo Park’s Paul Smith is “some kind of prancing faggot” (their words, not ours), vie for position with a group of frightened-looking art school students. Art school cool versus standing outside an offy looking menacing - it’s a paradigm well suited to an Arctic Monkeys gig.
During ‘You Probably Couldn't See For the Lights But You Were Looking Straight At Me’, the Monkeys transform into a mechanised unit of synchronised hip-shaking. The dancing spreads back into the normally disinterested fourth quarter of the crowd, causing a bloke in a Megadeth shirt to scream “Yaaaaaaaaaaaar!” and play what looks to be an invisible guitar. As the boys strike up industry-baiting ‘Perhaps Vampires Is a Bit Strong, But…’, he drops the invis-guitar and starts cycloning his sweat-drenched hair into the faces of those unfortunate enough to be nearby.
The Arctic Monkeys are a weird mix of tour-wrought confidence and genuine “Holy shit, look how many people we’re playing to!” Unsurprising really, considering their meteoric rise from pub-bothering Sheffield lads to chart-smashing boy-men.
Whatever the fears, they look in their element. Alex Turner seems perfectly self-assured when he points to a jiggling crowd-lovely for a cheeky “’Allo!” after storming through the ska-tipped, pulling-in-a-club tune ‘Still Take You Home’. All of this, naturally, only increases the volume of girls screaming all manner of blushery at him. Our theory is it’s because he looks the sort who would just as readily McGuyver up a cling-film condom as he would send you a string of soppy texts at chucking-out time. He’s also a spit for Daniel ‘Hogwarts’ Radcliffe. This, we decide, is some kind of bonus.
Ultimately, we think the key to the Monkey’s appeal lies within the snot’n’blood funk of ‘Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured’, a song about getting a cab home at the end of the night. If the advent of guerrilla gigging in the past two years was meant to place bands physically closer to fans, Arctic Monkey’s lyrics are all about breaching the emotional gulf between band and fan, because, like, everyone can relate to getting pissed and taking a taxi home, right?
Also, they don’t use words like “riposte” (as found on Maximo Park’s ‘The Coast is always Changing’), unless they’re taking the piss out of people who use words like “riposte”. In fact, when Slashmusic it said it aloud, just to taste it’s pleasing resonance, a full pint glass hit us in the back of the head. Full of what we’d rather not know, but it did.
Monkey Madness 2: “People keep saying they’re going to be the new Beatles, but it doesn’t matter to me. I just love them. And Alex Turner is fucking gorgeous! Though the rest of them aren’t.” Fiona, 15.
Whether the Arctic Monkeys are The Future of Music™ or not remains to be seen, but based on the evidence tonight, we think it’s safe to say that they’re glorious.
